this cycle of feeling bad may never cease if i don’t get out of this relationship. i’m torn between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. i can’t listen to my heart on this because honestly…i can’t even hear it right now through all the fog that’s surrounds me right now. what do i want? i don’t even know anymore. i want to not be on the verge of tears every other second. i want to talk about this problem but you don’t want to hear it. don’t even want to deal with me, as if i’m some kind of boisterous child. i can’t stand feeling like this anymore, it’s so torturous. i’m not sure what to do because it isn’t something i can just apologize for; what do i do, apologize for the fact that i have trust issues and insecurities? it’s much deeper than something a little “sorry” could amend for. why do people refuse to deal with you when you need them the most? why am i still in this relationship. it’s terrible. why why why why why
kind of a red flag when you see your (in)significant other and your heart drops. then you feel really sad, almost to the point of crying, then it turns to anger. hmm. i’m giving this a big second thought. it was an amazing day, and you didn’t want to spend any of it with me. i think the other one just understands me better. he knows me. and though the word ‘know’ is very broad, i think you get what i mean. you know, when someone just knows you? on that really deep and personal level? it’s special. the whole time i couldn’t really think of anyone in the world i’d rather be with than you. because even after all the things that i’ve done to you, you’re still there. thereness. it’s pretty much the knockdown quality above all else. how and why you’re so understanding is beyond me…but the thing of it is that you just are. and that’s all that matters, really.
i’ve been having crazy dreams. nonsensical ones. and scratching myself in my sleep
all i want to do anymore is sleep, really.
i used to be so much better at life.
i wish it was summer still. again. forever..
i miss the way i used to be, the way things used to be.
some days i’m really down, and often i can’t even diagnose it…there are some serious issues that i need to work through, i know that. i feel more susceptible to depression for some reason. a guy i know, who is 44 (i think), a teacher, and a very wise person, told me that people with ”je ne sais quoi” are more likely to suffer from depression. its a strange phenomenon, this je ne sais quoi. i can spot this quality in others, and can also tell when people don’t possess it. it’s just a special thing that only some of us have. lately i feel i sleep way too much. i haven’t been creating anything, really. i do think that is a big part of the problem. creation in my mind is validation. not sure if it validates existence, or what. i know that it makes me happy though, and makes me feel like i have a purpose. i honestly also think it’s partially my high expectations of others that sort of let me down. i’ve found that i’m generally more happy when i’m single, which makes me sad because i also do (sometimes) really enjoy being with someone. it’s as if there is a hole that, when it’s not filled and i’m single, it’s fine. but when the hole is left gaping and i’m in a relationship, it’s just not okay.
but sometimes, there are perfect moments. and even in the worst times, they’re there. i’ve had lots of perfect moments, and never have wished for more…they just come when the time is right. you can’t always have a perfect moment. that would make them less-than-perfect.
